Life is So Damn Complicated

Ya know how sometimes life can get the better of you. Well... I've had more than my share of that lately.

The insurance job. It crashed. Actually it was me that crashed. It started with normal and reasonable job related anxiety. Then the anxiety got large and oppressive. Then the anxiety became overwhelming. I was having anxiety attacks that were totally incapacitating. 3 trips to my doctor (thanks to the universe that for at least that short time I had good insurance.) Antianxiety drugs. Antidepressants (we tried 2 different kinds.) Sleeping pills. I got worse instead of better. I started throwing up. I quit eating. I quit sleeping. I had an allergic reaction to one of the meds. I became helpless and weak and small. I lost 20 pounds. Danny had taken my darling Johnny to another town to stay with a woman 13 years his senior that he met online. I made Brian come off the road to take care of me. He ended up staying with me for 2 weeks, because he was afraid to leave me alone. I quit the job.

I'm working full time at a brand new US Cellular store for totally sucky pay. There are no customers. It is very boring, and frustrating that I can't learn the product because there are no customers to sell to. I am working part time at the local #1 liquor store. It is fun, furiously busy, hot and sweaty, and the pay is even suckier than the full time job. I'm still helping take care of grandma 2 nights (24 hours) a week. This week I'm putting in 88 hours "on the clock" somewhere or other. Last week I worked 82, and the week before that I only worked 60 because dad had a heart attack and I spent the rest of my time traveling between home and the out of town hospital he was in, waiting in surgical waiting rooms, and taking care of my mom. I am so tired. Next week I'm scheduled to work 88 hours again.

Danny came home this week. He thinks I should clean up after him and Johnny, deal with the dishes and the laundry, bring home fast food for him to eat, and take baby toys out of the bathtub myself before I shower. I think he should do those things himself.

Brian was back home for almost a week, and has now been gone again for 4 days. I miss him. We are losing our asses because of my 'good' job loss and his staying with me for too long instead of working, leaving us with bills overdue and no money in the bank. I've never had a late payment before. Now everything is overdue and my phone rings every day from someone wanting an immediate payment. We've never had a fight, but there's an issue that is getting out of control in Brian's world. If I had the strength right now, I'd elaborate on that, but I don't. I will sometime. Even if I don't, you know. Some things are the same, no matter who or where or why. Alcohol abuse is one of those things.

Life is so damn complicated.